Rachel ಌ

It's been almost a year. I've been away, at this school I can honestly say takes my breath away sometimes. I can't believe there are so many lovely, beautiful people in one place. The walls are velvet and the souls are creator beings. I love it love it love. For this one semester, I am back home. The leaves smell autumn's breath and are flushing ever-so-slighty colourful. I hope to make the best of this time - unwanted time away, honestly - and go back enriched. I am so much, already.

Grey's Anatomy?

Did someone (whom?) finally ask me about Grey's? Yayness.

01. The first character I fell in love with - Meredith
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now - Christina
03. The character everyone else loves that I don’t - A lot of people like McSteamy. I hate his smarmy ass.
04. The character I love that everyone else hates - I don't know. Ellis?
05. The character I used to love but don’t any longer - Burke
06. The character I would shag anytime - McDreamy/Derek
07. The character I’d want to be like - Isobel
08. The character I’d slap - McSteamy/Mark
09. A pairing that I love - Meredith & Derek
10. A pairing that I hate - Mark & Anyone

I'm giving up those feelings for that person. I can totally...do this. God will help, and I will feel better. There will be a nice little cleaned out area of my heart and I WILL be happy. Because this is ridiculous and actually painful and I hate feeling this way.

Pick a fandom you know I know about, and I’ll tell you:

01. The first character I fell in love with
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now
03. The character everyone else loves that I don’t
04. The character I love that everyone else hates
05. The character I used to love but don’t any longer
06. The character I would shag anytime
07. The character I’d want to be like
08. The character I’d slap
09. A pairing that I love
10. A pairing that I hate

Still liking that person...but not stressing about it (so much) now. It's not worth the existential angst. It would be if it would go somewhere, but there's no guarantee that will ever happen. So...whatever. =P

My best friend here is going away for a vacation. I'm kinda missing her already! But she'll have fun - so that's good.

Um...what else..? I have a lot of work to catch up on, because of that concussion. And I owe the bookstore a bunch of money I don't have - I thought that was coming out of the student loan. The loan isn't exactly in yet. =S Which sucks muchly.

Selectively Transparent or Vulnerable?

Maybe I should mention that I just posted a "friends-only" entry, and if you're not a Gj.com friend, you can still request to read it by commenting on this entry. Let's just say I "like" somebody, and I'm quite sure some people from school have access to this address. Because I've posted it on two different school-related websites. Yes, I did that.

Wow, when you have a concussion you really can't think properly sometimes. I can't even get started on my projects for school...my thoughts get so tangled. Most people who know me, know I'm a procrastinator, but this isn't exactly procrastination! A dorm-mate advised me last night to tell all my professors about the concussion and see if I can get more extensions than I have. Not to say that I shouldn't really try and work on them - I could at least take notes from books and try to organize my information into ---what is that word? see the foggy brain thing?--- anyway, into an order that will make sense to write from, like an outline. I also need to get a form into the loans people, but I forget every day.

Yesterday, I was feeling bad enough - oh my head - that I finally caved and went to see Debbie in the office about going to the hospital. You see, less than a week ago, I sat down on one of my favourite blue chairs in the Red Room and banged my head extremely hard on the egde of a pillar. I hurt like...well, it hurt. Anyway, the pain was getting bad enough I went to the emergency room yesterday and the doctor examined me and pronounced it a bad concussion. I should be on pain meds for a month, while it heals. She also said I have a flu...and I already am dealing with a cold that kept me from doing any work all weekend! I am so thankful the flu is a barely-there one. Just a temperature and a bit of nausea here and there. I guess I'm just thankful my head's feeling better with the meds and for the extensions on essays I've been given (thank you God for merciful professors).

Internal melodramatic anguish mixed with hyper happiness is apparently my life. I'm enjoying the hyper thing as always, but the anguish-y crap has to go. Now I have never taken illegal drugs in my entire 1/4 of a century - but I wouldn't mind a tank of that delicious laughing gas they use at the dentist office. I enjoy that so much. ;) I always hear a song when I'm on it. It's the same song, but different. But the same.

So I can't get any work done, really. I'm just so busy doing nothing all the time. And it's great, because there are other people around who also love to do nothing, and they are lovely people and most of them are extremely entertaining. Not that they are here for my entertainment...no... Seriously. I am worried about my lack of studiousness. But, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Kill myself with pointy forks until I'm finally prodded into writing my latest essay on a chapter of Evolution: The Great Debate?

School is good. It really is. I still have days...hours usually, when I just want to go home and hide in my room and never try anything again. But I love so many of the things here...and I like every single person here I've met.

Ok. That was a tad dramatic, but I was feeling that yesterday evening.

A bit better. Emotions need to stop waving the sceptre.

No no no no no.

Damnit.

I do not like emotional pain. Sometimes I feel like a boat with too many holes, and I'm going to go down, down, down...

God is undoing me.

And I kind of like it.

Anna has a way with her words.

God's been picking at some things in my life:

Why did I give up art? First someone here asked me if I was an artist, then I had a dream that there were vending machines here I set up that dispensed little art pieces - people from different schools would send their art and then it would get divided up and shipped out to the machines - and then a couple afternoons ago I was sitting at my window, staring at the cerulean of the sky, and my eyes started watering. Then crying a little bit, and I had no idea why. Then more crying, and slowly the realization that it was mourning for the frustrated - so damn frustrated - artist in me. Break her chains.

Why can't I sing well anymore? I could always make whatever sound (to a degree) I wanted come out, now I think I sound slightly tone-deaf. It drives me crazy. I have an inkling pride is in the equation here somewhere, but it still doesn't explain the lack of vocal dexterity, now, does it? *screams*

I feel absolutely heartsick everyday when I walk by the local funeral home. I know what that is: last time I was at a funeral, it was Dad's.

Also, I hate myself. I didn't think I hated myself. Until God pointed it out, I would never had said it. Not for years. Apparently, there's this whole crapload of stuff to still deal with (delightful!).

t-TYPE has a really interesting entry up:

What's the difference between praying to a goddess of destruction [for the decimation of your enemies in the form of men] and praying that you'd rain down fire from heaven [on one's enemies á la Old Testament]? His answer: "There isn't much difference."

In New Brunswick now - 2 more days and then school. Pray for me.

http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/003721.html - Read the comments.

Whew. Have been reading for ages. I side with razib and Andrea and others on this one...if I added a comment, I know it would just be emotional vomit. Now I'm paranoid...I'm going back to university in a couple weeks...will there be someone there who is offended by my obviously-Indian themed bed things, my favourite jewelry (bangles), even some of my clothes? Do I just have some sort of disgusting, terrible India fetish, or do I fall on the "safe" side of someone who loves the music and dance and Bollycrack, not to mention the design of traditional clothes. I just...those things are "me". They're what seems beautiful to me. The only Indian blood I have is tiny to none (I might have a bit from my Maltese ancestor, and I guess others) - but honestly what does that have to do with anything? I can't articulate anything right now. Or ever it seems. :p