Rachel ಌ

God's been picking at some things in my life:

Why did I give up art? First someone here asked me if I was an artist, then I had a dream that there were vending machines here I set up that dispensed little art pieces - people from different schools would send their art and then it would get divided up and shipped out to the machines - and then a couple afternoons ago I was sitting at my window, staring at the cerulean of the sky, and my eyes started watering. Then crying a little bit, and I had no idea why. Then more crying, and slowly the realization that it was mourning for the frustrated - so damn frustrated - artist in me. Break her chains.

Why can't I sing well anymore? I could always make whatever sound (to a degree) I wanted come out, now I think I sound slightly tone-deaf. It drives me crazy. I have an inkling pride is in the equation here somewhere, but it still doesn't explain the lack of vocal dexterity, now, does it? *screams*

I feel absolutely heartsick everyday when I walk by the local funeral home. I know what that is: last time I was at a funeral, it was Dad's.

Also, I hate myself. I didn't think I hated myself. Until God pointed it out, I would never had said it. Not for years. Apparently, there's this whole crapload of stuff to still deal with (delightful!).