Lavender Ocean

Well, hi.

It's been almost a year. I've been away, at this school I can honestly say takes my breath away sometimes. I can't believe there are so many lovely, beautiful people in one place. The walls are velvet and the souls are creator beings. I love it love it love. For this one semester, I am back home. The leaves smell autumn's breath and are flushing ever-so-slighty colourful. I hope to make the best of this time - unwanted time away, honestly - and go back enriched. I am so much, already.

Grey's Anatomy?

Did someone (whom?) finally ask me about Grey's? Yayness.

01. The first character I fell in love with - Meredith
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now - Christina
03. The character everyone else loves that I don’t - A lot of people like McSteamy. I hate his smarmy ass.
04. The character I love that everyone else hates - I don't know. Ellis?
05. The character I used to love but don’t any longer - Burke
06. The character I would shag anytime - McDreamy/Derek
07. The character I’d want to be like - Isobel
08. The character I’d slap - McSteamy/Mark
09. A pairing that I love - Meredith & Derek
10. A pairing that I hate - Mark & Anyone

I'm giving up those feelings for that person. I can totally...do this. God will help, and I will feel better. There will be a nice little cleaned out area of my heart and I WILL be happy. Because this is ridiculous and actually painful and I hate feeling this way.

Pick a fandom you know I know about, and I’ll tell you:

01. The first character I fell in love with
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now
03. The character everyone else loves that I don’t
04. The character I love that everyone else hates
05. The character I used to love but don’t any longer
06. The character I would shag anytime
07. The character I’d want to be like
08. The character I’d slap
09. A pairing that I love
10. A pairing that I hate

Still liking that person...but not stressing about it (so much) now. It's not worth the existential angst. It would be if it would go somewhere, but there's no guarantee that will ever happen. So...whatever. =P

My best friend here is going away for a vacation. I'm kinda missing her already! But she'll have fun - so that's good.

Um...what else..? I have a lot of work to catch up on, because of that concussion. And I owe the bookstore a bunch of money I don't have - I thought that was coming out of the student loan. The loan isn't exactly in yet. =S Which sucks muchly.

Selectively Transparent or Vulnerable?

Maybe I should mention that I just posted a "friends-only" entry, and if you're not a Gj.com friend, you can still request to read it by commenting on this entry. Let's just say I "like" somebody, and I'm quite sure some people from school have access to this address. Because I've posted it on two different school-related websites. Yes, I did that.

Wow, when you have a concussion you really can't think properly sometimes. I can't even get started on my projects for school...my thoughts get so tangled. Most people who know me, know I'm a procrastinator, but this isn't exactly procrastination! A dorm-mate advised me last night to tell all my professors about the concussion and see if I can get more extensions than I have. Not to say that I shouldn't really try and work on them - I could at least take notes from books and try to organize my information into ---what is that word? see the foggy brain thing?--- anyway, into an order that will make sense to write from, like an outline. I also need to get a form into the loans people, but I forget every day.

Yesterday, I was feeling bad enough - oh my head - that I finally caved and went to see Debbie in the office about going to the hospital. You see, less than a week ago, I sat down on one of my favourite blue chairs in the Red Room and banged my head extremely hard on the egde of a pillar. I hurt like...well, it hurt. Anyway, the pain was getting bad enough I went to the emergency room yesterday and the doctor examined me and pronounced it a bad concussion. I should be on pain meds for a month, while it heals. She also said I have a flu...and I already am dealing with a cold that kept me from doing any work all weekend! I am so thankful the flu is a barely-there one. Just a temperature and a bit of nausea here and there. I guess I'm just thankful my head's feeling better with the meds and for the extensions on essays I've been given (thank you God for merciful professors).

Internal melodramatic anguish mixed with hyper happiness is apparently my life. I'm enjoying the hyper thing as always, but the anguish-y crap has to go. Now I have never taken illegal drugs in my entire 1/4 of a century - but I wouldn't mind a tank of that delicious laughing gas they use at the dentist office. I enjoy that so much. ;) I always hear a song when I'm on it. It's the same song, but different. But the same.

So I can't get any work done, really. I'm just so busy doing nothing all the time. And it's great, because there are other people around who also love to do nothing, and they are lovely people and most of them are extremely entertaining. Not that they are here for my entertainment...no... Seriously. I am worried about my lack of studiousness. But, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Kill myself with pointy forks until I'm finally prodded into writing my latest essay on a chapter of Evolution: The Great Debate?

School is good. It really is. I still have days...hours usually, when I just want to go home and hide in my room and never try anything again. But I love so many of the things here...and I like every single person here I've met.

Ok. That was a tad dramatic, but I was feeling that yesterday evening.

A bit better. Emotions need to stop waving the sceptre.

No no no no no.

Damnit.

I do not like emotional pain. Sometimes I feel like a boat with too many holes, and I'm going to go down, down, down...

God is undoing me.

And I kind of like it.

Anna has a way with her words.

God's been picking at some things in my life:

Why did I give up art? First someone here asked me if I was an artist, then I had a dream that there were vending machines here I set up that dispensed little art pieces - people from different schools would send their art and then it would get divided up and shipped out to the machines - and then a couple afternoons ago I was sitting at my window, staring at the cerulean of the sky, and my eyes started watering. Then crying a little bit, and I had no idea why. Then more crying, and slowly the realization that it was mourning for the frustrated - so damn frustrated - artist in me. Break her chains.

Why can't I sing well anymore? I could always make whatever sound (to a degree) I wanted come out, now I think I sound slightly tone-deaf. It drives me crazy. I have an inkling pride is in the equation here somewhere, but it still doesn't explain the lack of vocal dexterity, now, does it? *screams*

I feel absolutely heartsick everyday when I walk by the local funeral home. I know what that is: last time I was at a funeral, it was Dad's.

Also, I hate myself. I didn't think I hated myself. Until God pointed it out, I would never had said it. Not for years. Apparently, there's this whole crapload of stuff to still deal with (delightful!).

t-TYPE has a really interesting entry up:

What's the difference between praying to a goddess of destruction [for the decimation of your enemies in the form of men] and praying that you'd rain down fire from heaven [on one's enemies á la Old Testament]? His answer: "There isn't much difference."

In New Brunswick now - 2 more days and then school. Pray for me.

http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/003721.html - Read the comments.

Whew. Have been reading for ages. I side with razib and Andrea and others on this one...if I added a comment, I know it would just be emotional vomit. Now I'm paranoid...I'm going back to university in a couple weeks...will there be someone there who is offended by my obviously-Indian themed bed things, my favourite jewelry (bangles), even some of my clothes? Do I just have some sort of disgusting, terrible India fetish, or do I fall on the "safe" side of someone who loves the music and dance and Bollycrack, not to mention the design of traditional clothes. I just...those things are "me". They're what seems beautiful to me. The only Indian blood I have is tiny to none (I might have a bit from my Maltese ancestor, and I guess others) - but honestly what does that have to do with anything? I can't articulate anything right now. Or ever it seems. :p

I was tagged by Lisa.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people.

Book is Speaker and Recitations For All Occasions by Emily Rose Burt
Poem is "Rimy Rhymes, in Season if Out of Reason"

For water is now apt to freeze
In pipes and taps and make them leaky,
And well they know in times like these

I tag whoever wants to do this! :p

Dear (Online) Diary,
Do you remember the days when I used to update every day, with entries that weren't lists or fragmented sentences? I'm not even talking about GJ.com here. Back then...in the days of enigmae.org, and before that, furiae.org, and before that twilight-dreams.com - just tonight I left aside reading my book and the thought of twilight-dreams came into my head. I wonder how Arena is...and all my other friends I never talk to anymore, but who were so intwined in my existence back then. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever write like that again. It was like the words built up in my mouth until I had to work them out through my fingers. I literally felt like I was going to burst if I didn't start typing. I miss it, like I miss a person. And I miss Arena, and Kelsey Ginikos, Tara, Whitney & Whitney, Melanie Greenwood, and all the others. Sometimes I dream of people I used to know and when I wake up I remember the person but not who they are.

To be continued (probably)...

I forgot to mention (to just about everybody):

I got accepted.

50 More Random Questions

50 of the most random things you probably never needed to know about someone.

REPOST WITH YOUR ANSWERS

1. whats your name spelt backwards?
Lehcar

2. What did you do last night?
Read a bunch of Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell and played Sims 2.

3. The last thing you uploaded onto your computer?
My Plumb CD.

4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
No!! You did that, Yajaira?! :p

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Last year. I prefer ocean and river and lake.

6. What are you wearing?
Sleeveless lavender nightgown.

7. How many cars have you owned?
0

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Country that's really bad.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes

10. Do you have cable?
Satellite

11. What kind of computer do you use?
Toshiba laptop.

12. Ever made a prank phone call?
When I was younger. Hehe...Jenny...

13. You like anyone right now?
Not really.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving. I used to dream about sky divers all the time when I was little.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled by car?
Ontario prolly.

16.Do you have a garden?
Yes

17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
N/A

18. Do you know all the words to the national anthem?
I did. I can sing it with others.

19. Shower, morning or night?
Night.

20. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
Veer-Zaara

21. Favorite pizza toppings?
Feta, tomato, spicy sausage, black olives, artichokes, portabello mushrooms...

22. Chips or popcorn?
Either with dill flavour.

23. What cell phone provider do you have?
N/A

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No O_o. Who’d be that desperate?

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
No

26. Orange Juice or apple?
Orange with pulp.

27. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
Mom

28. Favorite chocolate bar?
Crunchie

29. Who is your longest friend and how long?
Jenny (20+ years) or Joy (25 years, but she's also my cousin).

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
A couple days ago.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yup.

32.Favorite artist?
Wodehouse I would have to say.

33. Favorite computer game?
Ecco the Dolphin and Sims 2.

34. Ever ordered from an infomercial?
No

35. Sprite or 7-UP?
Sprite

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
We had to wear navy & white at the Christian school for many years.

37. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
N/A

38. Ever thrown up in public?
Yes, in a garbage can at a Franklin Grahamn thing, thank you.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
True love.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
YES already. Stop torturing me.

41.Can exes just be friends?
Maybe. It depends on WHO they are.

42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Grandma

43. Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Verrry long.

44. What message is on your voicemail machine?
One by Mom or one that came with it...can't remember.

45. Where would you like to go right now?
India, with some friends and family.

46. What was the name of your first pet?
Other than the birds that almost killed Dad and the hamsters and fish, Aloes the dog and Bast the cat.

47. What kind of back pack do you have, and what’s in it?
It's dark green and I use it for scrapbook stuff. I'm going to need a new one. :)

48. Last incoming/outgoing call on your phone?
Incoming - from my sister's new landlord. Outgoing - to Mom from me.

49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Things have been going pretty well in the quest to get into school. :)

50. What do you think about most?
The future.

Part 1: The Birth of You:

Were you a planned baby?: Yes
Were you the first?: Yes
Who was present at your birth?: My mom and the doctor.
Were your parents married when you were born?: Yes
What is your birthdate?: Boxing Day

Part 2: The Family

How would you describe your family?: We love each other, a little too co-dependant.
Are your parents married? They were until my father died.
Siblings or an only child?: 1 younger sister.
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: Oldest.
What are your siblings names and ages?: Hadassah, 22.
Which parent do you get along with best?: Mom.
What do you fight about?: The dishes...we don't fight a lot. :p
Do you have step parents?: No, and I don't want any.

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?: Sure.
Who are your best friends?: Christ, Jenny, Joy, etc..
What do you like to do when you are together?: Laugh...talk...eat...
Do you share the same interests?: With some things.
Which friend can you tell anything to?: Jesus and Monique (because she doesn't know the others).

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: 4 out of 10.
Are you an extrovert or an introvert?: Introvert
Are you happy?: Sometimes.
Do you live life to the fullest?: No, but hopefully that is about to change. :)

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comforable with the way you look?: No, but I like some things.
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: No, but I'm planning on my nose.
Describe your hair.: Dark brown, long and curly. I like to wear it down.
What make-up do you wear?: I got complimented on my deft application of makeup the other day...:D Mascara, eye shadow, lip stuff, powder.
How do you dress?: Usually in skirts, with bangles and a shirt in a bright color (like aquamarine or purple) I like.

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: Yes.
What did you use to love that you no longer do?: Hmmm...
Do you have the same friends?: Some of them.
Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Yes.

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: To be successful and find a job that I love and be a great wife and mother.
Are you scared of growing old?: No
Do you want to get married?: Yes.

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: Outdoors
What is your favorite season: Spring, followed very closely but Autumn.
Do you like walking in the rain?: LOVE it.

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegentarian?: Not anymore.
What is your favorite fruit?: Strawberries, watermelon, and cherries.
What food makes you want to gag?: Liver.
What is your favorite dessert?: Cheesecake.
What is your favorite restaurant?: Daas' place.
Are you a fussy eater?: Not at all...well my dad was a chef so I like really good food but any kind is good.

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: Single
If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: N/A
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: Prolly. :)
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yes

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences?: Times when God has been very near, certain Christmases etc. with family. A few memories with friends.
What was one of your worst?: When Dad died, and when I was very depressed a few years ago.
Have you ever done drugs?: Nope
Have you ever thought you were going to die?: Once, when I almost drowned.
Have you ever suffered from depression?: Yes.